Look I ain’t no history expert, but if there is one thing I know it’s Thanksgiving.
Here are the facts:
Thanksgiving was started sometime in the early 1980s by a man named Graham Wellington. The story goes that Mr. Wellington had left his home early on a November Thursday morning to try and snag a Cabbage Patch Kid for his daughter Brittani on the occasion of her Quinceañera. Alas, Graham had no luck in this endeavor and he headed home defeated. On the way home, blinded by tears of rage, he struck a large animal with his car. Upon emerging from the car he immediately recognized the creature, it was the turkey that the neighborhood cats had been riding around and the children had named King Gobbles. Initially Mr. Wellington thought this was just one more set back in his tragic morning…but then inspiration struck (not unlike his car had struck King Gobbles in the face).
Graham would use this bird to prepare a feast to help his daughter forget about the pain of childlessness. Once he had loaded the turkey into his car he quickly drove home. Upon arrival he cleaned and prepped the bird as he had learned during his time in the military when he was stationed in Turkey. He knew the bird would not be enough so he looked around the house to see what else he could prepare. First, he went outside to pick cranberries off of the tree where they inexplicably grew in the shape of cans. Next, he grabbed his wife’s pumpkin face scrub and dumped it into some pie crusts they had purchased some time in the last four years. After that, he grabbed the bowl of mashed potatoes on the kitchen counter that Graham had because he so hated the Irish. Finally, he knew the bird needed something more. The inside, now lacking organs, was empty. Mr. Wellington knew that when he felt empty inside he jammed shredded bread in his mouth, so that’s what he put in King Gobbles.
Brittani awoke that day at 1pm to a feast. She completely forgot that it was her Quinceañera and Graham had pulled off a wonderful celebration. As word spread throughout the neighborhood that year the talk eventually reached the ear of a producer on the film Short Circuit. He liked the sound of this celebration and included a scene in the movie using it as a framework. In the end credits a special thanks was given to Graham Wellington and thus the day had a name: Thanksgiving
Of course now the traditions of Thanksgiving have expanded to include so many great things. There’s the oldest living albino from Queens lighting the pallet bonfire on the White House lawn. There’s the National Go Cart Championships in that Wal-Mart parking lot in Florida. Then we have the awesome tradition of sitting around the TV watching a shot for shot remake of the movie Unforgiven using only pugs called Unpugiven. My favorite tradition of all is that any baby born on Thanksgiving has to be named King Gobbles.
So if it weren’t for Graham Wellington we wouldn’t have this day. So next time you visit Akron Ohio stop by Graham’s grave and pay your respects and let out a big gobble gobble for me!
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