Point Break, Point No Thank You

Why are we remaking Point Break? It was a perfectly fine movie for what it was and there is absolutely no reason to remake it. Besides, it was already remade and that remake was called Fast and The Furious. Go ahead and check. They just replaced surfing with car racing.  Seems odd there was a demand to make this car racing version like eight times but what do I know?

Are we just out of ideas? Are we running out of book trilogies where a teenager has to fight for the survival of humanity in a dystopian future? Where do we go from here?

I don’t have answers to any of these questions I just remain confused.

I do like Point Break but it’s not like it was a cinematic masterpiece. The main character’s name was Johnny Utah.  Really? Did Timmy North Dakota sound too unrealistic? Utah was also a famous former college athlete. This is whom you select for sensitive undercover work? This alone should have made this movie impossible to remake. All it would take now is a cursory Google search to find out that this former football star had gone to work for the FBI.

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If these facts aren’t enough to prevent a remake than the original cast should have been. Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves are irreplaceable. Swayze could dance fight like nobody’s business and Keanu would go on to become Internet Jesus. The movie also had Lori Petty who was Tank Girl, so fuck you Hollywood for trying to top that.

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Really, this all boils down to my continued disappointment with the movie industry. You know the ones. Those studios who continue to put out the same rehashed garbage in hopes of making some quick money at the box office. I’m sure eight years from now we will be talking about a remake of Con Air. Nick Cage will be replaced by someone from a critically acclaimed British mini-series about the creation of the word twat, or some such nonsense.  The soundtrack will be nothing but tracks from a DJ with an unpronounceable symbol filled name like “$#^^(()).“

Is this what we’ve become…a bunch of lazy assholes taking breaks from watching boner commercials just long enough to hammer out terrible ideas?

Maybe we are done as a species but I’m not ready to give up on humanity just yet. Here are several ideas for movies better than a Point Break remake:

  • An action film where the star only uses a manila envelope to fight corruption at city hall. Call it “Paper Cut.”
  • An hour and a half of people throwing lawn darts at a butthole.
  • A documentary about the first man to make cat furniture and his eventual suicide.
  • An animated sci-fi film from the perspective of a dying star but like all in interpretive dance.
  • Seven more “Harry and The Hendersons” movies.
  • Thirteen hours of a man Googling what he may be potentially dying from on WebMD.
  • Frisbee golf.

There, a ton of mediocre but original ideas. Looks like it’s your move Hollywood.

I’ll be waiting by the phone.

Tim Berry

Tim Berry

There is a place where joy meets anger, sadness joins hilarity poolside, and nonsense is a currency. Tim runs a small but profitable cell phone case kiosk there on Tuesdays.