PHOENIX, Ariz. – The Board of Pilgrims accepts a buyout offer of 3.4 trillion dollars for the nearly 400 year-old American tradition of Thanksgiving, officials announced Wednesday, November 4. The deal involves joint funds from the Halloween Industrial Corp. and, Global Holiday Giant, Christmas International.
Understanding the consumer pressure of the gift giving season and the burgeoning culture of slutty Halloween costumes, it is believed that the time Thanksgiving typically represented will be split 30/70 between the Halloween and Christmas holidays.
Christopher Jones of Mayflower Consulting, a member of the Board of Pilgrims stated, “We have great respect for all of the Christmas and Halloween brands, heritage, and people.”
“Liquor and Turkey sales will drop drastically in late November, the National Turkey Federation will be the hardest hit.” Dr. John Smith, Professor of Urban Sociology at Yuma State Community College commenting on the economic effects concerning the loss of Thanksgiving, a celebration in America since 1621.
It is believed that the traditional shopping days following Thanksgiving of “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” will be combined into a weeklong event. Rumors have come forward that online retail giant Amazon.com and Wal-Mart are in a bidding war for naming rights.
It is unknown how many jobs losses will occur with the takeover of Thanksgiving. Multiple unsuccessful attempts were made to reach Christmas International CEO and President Santa Claus and COO of Halloween Industrial, Jack O’Lantern.
Christmas’ number one stockholder, Jesus Christ, wrote on his blog about the Thanksgivings buyout “significant strategic value” for “a variety of significantly larger companies that are engaging in more direct competition with one another due to the evolution of the buyers market.”